Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Attention: Billy Mitchell

It has reached my attention that, by being a big star who knows it and lets everybody else know it, you either ego-surf alot on the internet or have one of your disciples do it for you. In that case if you, Billy Mitchell Video Game Superstar, happen to stumble upon this page in the backwaters of the internet and grace Last to Blame with your presence, I would love to interview you and publish your answers to let the world know "who is the real Billy Mitchell? And not that phony one in that fictional movie 'The King of Kong', who clearly isn't you, Billy Mitchell Video Game Superstar."

I already have the questions ready. Answer anytime, I update my blog daily.

* I've noticed you are a patriotic American, in which your pride swells deep in your heart, as it does for other Americans who are equally red-blooded. I want to ask: do you wear an American tie so that fellow Americans won't mistake you and your beard and long hair for a foreigner?

* This is a little personal, you don't have to answer, but all us guys want to know: during sex in which you are pleasing your partner immensely with your "Donkey Kong", do you ever fail to reach the "kill screen"? Do euphenisms like "It was a rogue fireball!" and "I require a live crowd to watch me for verification purposes" help?

* Wouldn't you prefer to be the master of a masculine video game like Missle Command as Roy Schildt aka "Mr Awesome" is, rather than be the master of eating and smashing barrels like you are? Hasn't the efforts of Mr Awesome to save digital cities of the future been more relevant than chasing after a chick captured by a gorilla whom you can never actually rescue?

* Shouldn't a celebrity like yourself be allowed to bend the rules so you can legally murder Steve Wiebe without penalty? Other celebrities go scot-free when pulled over for speeding, so can't the authorities help a celebrity like you by ending this rivalry with Wiebe with a knife in the back during a clandestine "head-to-head" match?

* I would never insult you by inferring that you have you have ever cried in your life, being a Video Game Superstar, but can you tell us: Is Steve Wiebe a "girl" for crying? Does crying certify his status as "non-Video Game Superstar"? I mean, why would he cry? It's just a stupid video game almost thirty years into the past that no one cares about.

* Isn't the proper way to resolve this rivalry, once and for all, is to create a new game, say "Donkey Kong 2K9" that updates this retro game to current-generation specifications and features an immersive 3D open world environment? That way, both of you can go online mutliplayer and frag each other with railguns and melee with hammers; then, we can crown the real "King of Kong".

* Can you get Brian Kuh to break into this guy's garage for me? I think he's plotting to get the high score on Donkey Kong as well.

* If you saw a barrel in real life, would you prefer to jump over it or smash it? No one would judge you if you smashed it; it's a barrel - it's practcally begging you to smash it.

* You've likened the controversy around you to the abortion issue. Does that mean that you can describe your supporters as "pro-Billy Mitchell" and your detractors as "pro-get a life"?

* Does you thumb ever get tired? Would you give Steve Wiebe the thumbs up? Or thumbs down? Would your followers kill anyone you gave the "thumbs down" to?

Thank you in advance; the world needs to know, and you need to get the record straight.

* EDIT: I just watched the movie "Chasing Ghosts" and discovered to shock and comedy that Roy Shildt thinks the way I do and considers Missle Command a more masculine game and therefore a more important game than Donkey Kong or Pac-Man. Only I was making a joke. You know, I do feel bad for making fun of the guy with a mullet, but at the same time I'm going to keep this up because I still find this amusing.

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