Thursday, May 14, 2009

Welcome to the Video Game Review Wizard! (or how to say the same thing as everyone else and say nothing at all) [Good version]

Video games are a fun experience that proves to be so immersive and moving to some that they are inspired to write about their experience and share it with the world at large. However, at times this task may seem daunting; how can we best describe such a life-changing experience? What words can we use to describe our epiphany and the beautiful, all-knowing face of God?

Here at Last to Blame, we've made a handy multiple choice quiz to help you write your review if words fail you. As a “Review Wizard”, the choices are laid out such that it shouldn’t matter what game you've played and enjoyed as every positive video game review on the internet basically reads the same. So, feel free to choose with reckless abandon!


1. The graphics are…
a) stunning.
b) top notch.
c) breath-taking.
d) state of the art.
e) crisp.
f) sharp.
g) spot on.
h) indescribable.
i) perfect.

2. The game environment…
a) is rich in detail.
b) is immersive and deep.
c) beautifully resembles a living, breathing world.
d) is just like being there in real life.

3. The music …
a) is stirring and moving.
b) is wonderfully composed, and utilizes the orchestra wonderfully.
c) does not detract from the game play.
d) is full of bleeps and bloops

4. The sound effects are…
a) okay. The shotgun gives off a satisfying boom.
b) okay. The snapping of necks gives off a satisfying snap.
c) okay. The collecting of coins gives off a satisfying “bling”.
d) nonexistent in this text-based adventure game.

5. The camera…
a) needs to be babysat.
b) is the right thumb stick.
c) shows a nice perspective of the heroine's buttocks from behind.
d) doesn’t show my feet in this first-person shooter.

6. The story…
a) is moving and emotionally deep and brought me to tears at certain points.
b) has memorable characters that stay with you long after the game is over.
c) is full of plot twists that will keep you guessing until the very end.
d) is a complex tale of love, loss and betrayal that will keep you at the edge of your seat until the final boss confrontation.
e) SPOILER ALERT! A main character who is not the hero dies/a secondary character betrays you/Bruce Willis is a ghost.
f) made me cry and realize that we are all just people who deep down need to be loved.

7. The game play…
a) provides non-stop action.
b) is full of thrill-a-plenty moments.
c) is an orgy of gore and violence.
d) is addictive and fun.
e) is a visceral and immersive experience that makes you believe you are really there.

8. The voice acting…
a) is cheesy and annoying. (Japanese releases ie. Namco)
b) has Ron Pearlman/someone who sounds like Ron Pearlman talking in a low, raspy voice.
c) is great for all the characters, except the protagonist, who is silent.
d) is used to demonstrate dialogue between the characters.

9. This game is…
f) the best game evar. (sp., but “evar” encapsulates your feeling better than “ever”)
g) The best game of all time.
h) The best thing next to sex.
i) God.
j) At least worth a rental.

If you get stuck, these are things you can say at any time in any review safely and (almost) never be proven wrong:
a) If you are a fan of the series/genre then this game is for you.
b) This is the latest newest game to be released in the franchise.
c) However, that's my humble opinion/just my own two cents/the way I see it, and you may find things differently.
d) This game can, at the very least, take up 5 minutes of your time.
e) This game has a boring tutorial in the beginning.
f) This game is worse than the movie it is licenced from.
g) (if the game doesn’t have online multiplayer) This game needs online multiplayer.
h) (if the game has online multiplayer) This game is full of douche bags online.
i) The crossbow is the coolest weapon.
j) This game is good, but could use more ninjas/gigantic battling robots/Nazis/gigantic breasts/blood/.
k) At least worth a rental if you're not too busy masturbating.


As this is a positive review score this 10 out of a possible 10, write the words “must buy” at the end and then post it somewhere. You’re done! You’ve managed to say something without actually saying anything at all; welcome to the internet!

COMING SOON: Welcome to the Video Game Review Wizard [Bad Version] in which we become creative and use metaphors involving one’s own testicles! Stay tuned!

2 comments:

  1. Nice take. Is that you Richard?
    Goldie

    ReplyDelete
  2. This is such a wonderful blog!

    I'm disappointed to see that you've abandoned it but at least there is a good number of articles I will enjoy reading.

    ReplyDelete